All the agency clothes go on the scrap heap. All my old clothes went long ago. My men's clothes. I am a woman. I have to start over with everything. I buy basic functional clothing mostly. The places Ruth takes me have clothes that fit me even though I am a big woman. By becoming a woman I have become much bigger. I like to look at my new clothes in a mirror. When I am wearing them. I have trouble with the new vocabulary I need to use. There are so many things I don't know. Things Ruth takes for granted. Explaining them to me isn't easy. I try to learn. I have my hair done. The useless expense still bothers me but I push down my anxieties. I want something easy to manage. The hairdresser tries to oblige. Ruth supervises. She is pleased with the results. We start to experiment with makeup. A touch of lip gloss. Some mysterious pigments from jars. When I see myself I have trouble recognizing me. Even my hands and feet have changed. I try several nail polishes and settle on a faint. And Miss Christy made me wet my pants many times. Towards the end of the 80s, VHS tapes came out, and once I’d been able to afford a player, my collection began to grow. I love my magazines, and watching girls whenever I could, but the only time I saw girls being sexy was in my films and VHS tapes. Seeing all the big tit girls from Peaches and Amazons in films like ‘Misadventures at Megaboobs Manor’ was simply mind-boggling, and the quickest way to a pair of very wet underpants yet discovered. With the start of the PC era, not only could I – eventually – digitise my VHS tapes, but as we moved into the 2000s, videos online became more and more available. Nowadays, there are 1000s of movies in good quality, and this remains the main way I get to see girls doing sexy things. It knocks me out the way the Beautiful Britons girls raise their skirts to show their knickers – I’ve pants-spunked lots of times looking at their photos but to see them do it ‘for real’ – as near as I can get – is.
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